ETU DEAN OF STUDENT AFFAIRS REVIEW BOARD
Date: September 28, 2014
Location of Hearing: Dean of Student Affairs Office
Faculty Reviewers: Prof. John Malcovy, Prof. Sally Hooten, Prof A. Werner, Prof Glen McClanahan
Description of offense: Three students were found to have set off the sprinkler system in the Multi-Use Indoor Arena during the freshman class meet and greet. A prank on the first day of school that caused damage to the arena and spoiled the freshman class meet and greet.
Student Testimony 1:
Jessie James Jeremiah "Well it's like this ya see: after we done gone and listen to that dean talk forever about how we freshman have all this opportunity and grow and all that. They sent me and my study buddies down to talk to that senior kid away from the teachers and such. Well he weren't no more innerestin' than that long winded dean. He was telling us to be zebras and blend in. Then we heard this crash out in the hallway. Ms Courtney West and Tina Nicole and me all wanted to see what was up. That janitor guy with all them arm tattoos, yeah he was standin there over this smashed up camera. Got all accusatory on us, but left us alone quick when he heard someone comin. That's when Prof Glen Mac came round to tell us it was his paranormal equipment. I didn't hear much of what he was sayin, cause the music started right then. Somebody yelled "PIZZA'S HERE" real loud and I was off like a jack rabbit race car driver. Next thing I know this pretty girl starts making all these pretty faces at me and nods her head to follow her. Well I ain't fool enough to look a sure thing in the face and walk away from it, so I hopped on after her. She takes me to this janitors closet and closes the door. She leaned in real close like she's gonna kiss my ear or my neck and I'm just nervous shakin tryin to be a gentleman, then she whispers to me "You're all going to burn." Leans back, and I tell you she burst into flames in an instant.
Maybe spontaneously combusted or something, but next thing I know she's grabbin' my arm and the whole room is on fire. Right when I think my arm is burning off the door opens and there's Prof Glen Mac with one of his paranormal meters wondering what I was doing in there. He tells me there was a spike in the temperature reading. Yeah no kiddin, I thought I was gonna be burnt up for sure. I started to tell him about that strange gir, but he shooed me off to the dance to have fun and told me to visit him during his office hours for a full interview about what happened in the closet. Next thing I know I'm back at the dance finding Ms Courtney West and Tina-Nicole are tellin me all kinds of strange stuff has been happenin and we got to do something.
Then, the strangest thing started happening, when I got close to some of the funny graffiti my arm started to hurt where that burning girl had grabbed me. For some reason I felt like that was a warning from the girl, when we touched the paint, I swear it felt hotter than a V-10 run 100 miles with no oil. We had to set off the sprinklers, cause things was starting to smolder and there were not fire extinguishers anywhere, cept locked away in that room that had the sprinkler system. After we done it he came at us with a night stick and then a gun. Now this part, I'm not sure even I believe, right before he was about to end poor JayJay Jay a big ol' chupacabra done appeared outa no where and took that man away. And that's every bit of the truth I know."
Student Testimony 2:
Courtney West "Umm, Hello? Your freshman meet and greet was completely gross. The dean's speech was long. I stopped paying attention when the clapping stopped. That zebra boy in that gross downstairs room was so not PR VP material. Ummm, Yeah? He did not sell the school or even MENTION there is a PSI BETA house on campus. That's like important information to let the incoming class know. That band you hired? You should get your money back. I don't think they knew how to play their instruments. Your security guards were all getting sick all over that place. Some spider tried to yell for help from a web. I was not interested. I think the punch might have been spiked, because I don't think spiders are supposed to be able to talk. If T.N.B. hadn't been there to keep me safe, I could have done something awful like go home with a boy who was not DELTA BETA ALPHA GAMMA material. I mean can you imagine what the PSI BETA sisters would have thought of me if I had done that at the freshman dance? I mean it would have taken me whole semesters to smooth things over again. Luckily I'm great at getting people gifts, so I'm sure I could hav....what?......oh the rest of the night.Yeah I don't know. Some stuff happened. That trailer boy broke into that room you guys were hiding all the fire extinguishers. That gross janitor pointed a gun at me. I should sue for that. He was an employee of yours. You have a legal obligation to protect me. My dad owns a big company that has a huge legal department that you'll be hearing from I'm sure....what?....a chupa-what now? Oh that big thing? JayJay Jay got a better look at it I was hiding behind him when that guy pulled a gun."
Student Testimony 3:
Tina Nicole Buffet "There was so much going on that shouldn't have happened that night. I noticed that not only during the speech the students couldn't pay attention, but someone was arguing with the janitors about all the wet spray paint that was everywhere. That can't be healthy for people to breath in. Then later I saw them going to clean it with harsh chemicals that aren't good for the environment. Then those pizzas were fatty and gross. You couldn't have gotten it from the Pizza Barn? I coulda gotten you a deal. The band was playing at a volume that wasn't safe for people to listen to for extended periods without risk of permanent hearing damage. I tried to leave, but the doors were chained shut and all the security guards were sick in the bathrooms. Someone must have mixed some chemicals into the pain that reacted to the heat of all those kids dancing, because they started to smolder close to midnight. Jessie J. was smart enough to get us into the maintenance room and set off the sprinklers before things got burny. That tattooed janitor pointed a gun at us for "ruining his plan to sacrifice the freshman class to gain power." Don't you screen your employees to weed out the freaks and weirdos. Then some wild animal just came in and took him away. I know we're close to the woods here on campus, but shouldn't you have people out to prevent huge animals like that from making it this far onto campus?"
Resolution:
The students are free to go without any further action. The school will fix it's fire safety preparedness, it's employee mental screening process, and it's choice in healthy foods for it's students. In exchange for Ms West's father's lawyer's will not "make us wish they never even invented a thing called school" he has graciously offered to repair the damage to the Multi-Use Indoor Arena; which will reopen in the Spring semester after repairs.
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